The Elephant In The Room

On Mondays I have a group called "interpersonal" where we're supposed to address any issues we may have with other people in the group. It can be a really fun group, but when nobody has any pressing issues, it gets a little dull. Like today, all we did for the first 5 minutes was look around at each other until someone broke the silence. When that didn't happen, the group leader decided to step in. George(the group leader), must of been in the mood to stir up some drama because the topic he chose to break the ice was politics. Aside from the fact that it's a controversial subject, it just so happens that of the 5 people that showed up for the group; 4 are radical left wing lesbians who avoid 'organized religions'....and one is a Catholic Republican... I can't go into total details cuz I don't want the McLean posse to get on me about patient confidentiality, but guess who was the odd man out.

"There Was A Little Girl"

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead’
When she was good she was very,very good
But when she was bad she was horrid. -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

If My Boyfriend Was Sweet

This is what Tim would look like if he were an M&M.

Just Laugh

One of the things they try to teach us in DBT is distress tolerance; the ability to handle conflicts and such without going off the deep end. It's something I'm not so good at. So me and the other delicate flowers have to learn different "skills" to help us deal with problems in a healthy way. So one of the skills is called distraction. It's basic purpose is to prevent us from "maladaptive ways of coping". Anyways, long story short... I needed some distraction from the bad day I had today, so I looked for things online to make me laugh. These are some funny quotes I found:

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." George Burns
(I really really love and miss my family but, I had to share it cuz it's kinda true...:)

These next one's are Mitch Hedburg quotes. He's so hilarious!:

"I like the Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people."

"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too."

"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."

"This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty."

"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"

"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!"

I feel better now.

Ode To Di Di

I promised a prize to the first person to reply,
and the first response I got came from my sister Di.
So this is the prize; a poem by me
because I am cheap, and poems are free.
But back to Diane and how great she is,
She looks really good for having six kids!
She bakes the best cookies, you should try her polikies
but she keeps herself in shape by going to jazzercise.
Her creativity and love of sweets really come in handy
cuz she has a booming business making jewlery, and another one making candy
She's gonna go straight to heaven, of that I have no doubt
because she is so beautiful on the inside and out.
She's a faithful catholic, a loving wife, mom and sister
and when you are apart from her it's hard not to miss her!

WWJ(+KDSDBRAPA)D?

I had a conference call with my dad and my family therapist the other day. It was very nice to get to share my dad with somebody here. He just seems to ooze wisdom. The wise old Al (lol, I just made that up!). Knowledge that no Harvard education can provide. I'm really lucky he's my dad. (I can just picture each of my sisters' going awww.) Anyway, dad suggested that I should reach out to my siblings more. So that is what I'm going to do right now.
Kathy, Dan, Scot, Diane, Bambi, Robin, Angie, Mom and Dad (kids and spouses are welcome, but not necessary) : I need help deciding what I am going to do for "structure". Put yourself in my shoes when you read the choices. What would be the best thing for me? You can email me or call me, or leave a comment (I changed the settings, so anyone can leave comments now). I really do value every one's thoughts and opinions, so can everyone please respond as soon as possible? Thank you, I love you and miss y'all. If you are a stranger, I don't love or miss you and I don't want your opinion.

These are my options:
1. Get a J-O-B. I don't have enough time to get a full time job, and I don't really know how long I'll be here, so some places won't hire me for that reason. So I'll probably end up working at a restaurant or something that isn't exactly intellectually stimulating.
Pros-I'll make money, acquire work ethic, get some "structure" and meet new people.
Cons- It will only be part time, so it won't be something I'm not already used to. Plus, I don't wanna work... it's something I'll have to learn to want to do first. ..(that last part may just be a big fat excuse, but it sounded good).

2. Volunteer. I'd probably work at a no kill shelter where I'd get to be around dogs, but part of my job would probably be picking up poop. Or, I'd do something to help with the poor, kids, or old people.
Pros- Fulfillment. Learning to be a caretaker, I may be able to work with dogs. The feeling of being a better person and doing my part...=less depression and worthless feelings. Plus, I'll learn to be a little less narcissistic, and a little more altruistic.
Cons-If I don't want to get a job that pays, why would I wanna get one that doesn't? (my little conscience angel just popped up and reminded me that the feeling of doing something good for others is better pay than all the money in the world).

3. Hobbies and non-credit classes. I'd probably take a sewing class, an art class, and maybe a pottery class. I'd do a yoga or aerobics class of some kind before group at the place up the road, and take some courses in business and finance at the Harvard extension.
Pros-I'd get to tell people that I'm going to school at Harvard. I love doing all that artsy stuff. I'll stay busy. I'll get in shape...I might be able to get back into gymnastics..which I love. I'll be able to fill up my time with stuff that I actually enjoy doing, and I'll be able to learn new things that may be valuable for my future.
Cons-They all cost money and I'm running low. Most of the groups will be in Cambridge and parking is a bitch.

4. Go to school. One of the tests I took last week tested areas of study I would be best at. It said that the best fields of study for me would be in design, or something in business/marketing. I agree. I could easily get into design school, and get a degree in 1-2 years, and I know I'll enjoy doing it.
Pros- I am in the land of a thousand colleges, and it would be nice to finish school. I feel like I have a good opportunity and I might regret it if I don't take it. Plus, I will be able to live in something a little less 'short term'. It's probably the best thing for me in terms of breaking from the apron strings. Also, I'd be working towards something that I want and that I'll be happy doing.
Cons- I can't afford it. I will miss my family. Tim won't be very happy, we might end up breaking up and I'll get sad. I miss the dogs. It will take a lot of work. It will be a huge step to take and I don't know how I'll handle it.

So...that's my schpeel. Now it's your turn. But, just a reminder...I'm seeking opinions and advise. I'm open to any thoughts and ideas, just leave the decision making up to me. Thanks for taking your time out to help me. Happy VD. The first one to respond back gets a prize!

Structure is Overrated

I have to start looking for something to fill up my free time. (They call it building structure)I was supposed to do this in December, but I kept putting it off. It's a really important part of my treatment and I can't weasel out of it anymore... plus, I think they're on to me. I guess it is important for me to "build structure" and it is one of the reasons I'm up here, but(excuse me while I have a spoiled brat moment)... I DON'T WANNA GET A JOB!!! They did tell me that I have other options rather than getting a job, but I'll have to discuss that another time...my typing finger is getting tired. Good Night.

I Know, You're Just Doing Your Job.

McLean has people who's actual job is to surf the internet all day looking for anything that mentions McLean hospital. So, one of these computer geeks (sorry, but that is what you are) finds my blog and sees that I'm in the borderline program and sends my blog to Dr. Gunderson, Fran, and Dr. Boyajian. They haven't contacted the rest of my treatment team. My guess is because I didn't have their full names posted. Dr.Stephanie Rickey, Dr. Kelly Gunderson, and Dr. Julieta Holman. Don't worry, I'm not gonna put anything bad about the hospital...now.

The A Word

I got to take a bunch of head tests today...it was fun. During one part of the tests, I was asked to name a word that starts with the letter A. Let's see...aardvark, apple, animal, antelope....there's so many to choose from. But for some reason I just could not think of anything except for asshole, and I didn't want to say that, so instead I said Antidisestablishmentarianism. It's a real word. I don't know what it is, but I know it starts with an A. I'm just glad she didn't ask me to use it in a sentence.

My Living Situation Dilemma

They are really getting on me to find an apartment and a room mate. I have a big problem with this. First of all, with an apartment, the cost of rent plus utilities plus furniture and parking, costs more than I am paying here and I get breakfast and maid service. Also, the thought of looking for a room mate makes me sad. I don't wanna room with any other patients, but if I get a stranger to live with I'll have to go thru the dreaded explanation of how I'm a mental patient. Who in their right mind would wanna room with a mad woman?...not me. Maybe one of my college bound nieces or nephews could come up here for school(there's like a million of 'em) and be my roomie.
Damn. Now I'm sad.

What A Wonderful Bird The Frog Are

I'm getting a bunch of tests done on Friday. It's like a 3 hour psychology extravaganza. I get to do the inkblot test, the word association test, the personality test... throw in a big red balloon and I'll be having the time of my life! What I am not looking forward to is the career aptitude test, and the IQ test. Last time I took a career test (in high school), it told me I would be best suited for clerical work...and that's what ended up doing 5 years later. And about the IQ test, what if I find out I'm stupid? What if I am a Forrest Gump and nobody told me because they didn't want to hurt my feelings. Or worse...what if I find out I'm a genius and they make me study and solve difficult equations and work for the CIA, cracking difficult top secret codes. Or maybe I just watch too many movies (Forrest Gump, Good Will Hunting, A Beautiful Mind). I wish they had a Nerd test because I'd ace that one.

Dog Eat Dog

I go to Petsmart sometimes to see the dogs, but today I was told that I have to purchase something or leave, so I had to buy something. The worker who threatened me has seen me in the store a bunch of times and she really doesn't care for me (probably cuz I don't buy anything). So, to spite the bitch, I purchased a box of dog biscuits and utilized my privilege as a customer to roam the store and hand out treats to random dogs.

The Salmon Palace

Hawaii was great...as always. It was a perfect vacation except everything at the Royal Hawaiian is different now. It got taken over by some new uber modern management team that doesn't know what they are doing. First off, they changed the color of the hotel...yes, it's still pink, but they added a hint of orange to the mix, so now it's a salmon color. I don't like it. Also, some asshole decided to change the recipe for the Mai Tai. Big mistake. I don't even like the Mai Tai, but just the idea of how ignorant they are to change something that is such a staple in Waikiki irks me. They claim that they hired a world renown "mixologist" (yep, bar tending has officially become a science) to create an even better Mai Tai. Screw tradition. Who cares if the Mai Tai originated here, let's change it and make it healthy, and then we can stop by Colonel Sander's house and tell him how to make chicken!

Fun facts about Waltham

If I ever feel the need to look up my genealogy, the National Archives is right down the road from me. Also, I'm 3 miles away from Walden Pond. Exciting.

Mahalo For Not Smoking

I made the mistake of mentioning the infamous "Maui Wowie"(Hawaiian weed), to one of my therapists. I didn't say I was going to smoke it, I just said that it's abundant and how it's really strong...ask my sister Robin. So now, they're wanting me to get a drug test while I'm in Hawaii. I think it's funny. I won't get in trouble if I don't do what they want. I'm on the honor system here. Everyone trusts me because I'm like the star student. They just want to take precautions for "my safety". Like I'm gonna die if I smoke pot or something. It irks me that they think I'm some kinda addict.
Exactly one week from now I will be sitting at the Mai Tai bar. I hope Augie Ray is there. I think this is the first vacation I've ever gone on, that I feel like I actually deserve.

Mindfulness.

Mindfulness is a term used here a lot...like twenty times a day. It is one of the skills we learn in DBT. It's all about living in the moment and becoming more aware of things. I think it's some kinda Buddhist thing or something. Either way, it works. It definitely has changed my life.
So anyway, this past weekend, my DBT teacher Dr. Murphy went on a mindfulness retreat with the lady who invented DBT, Marsha Linehan (she is like a god to these people). It was a silent retreat...no talking... at all...for five days. Ridiculous. Anyway, I'm not sure what went on at the retreat, but Dr. M is like a total different person now. She is so calm and peaceful and nothing seems to bother her (that is not an easy feat when you're dealing with borderlines all day...trust me). She's like a hair cut and a brown robe away from becoming a Buddhist monk. I like it. More people should go on those retreats.

I Heart Waffles

Hi. It's Sunday and I'm so bored. This is my last week before I leave for Hawaii, so I have a ton of appointments and things to get done before then. I was supposed to go to the American Girl store, but the roads are too bad. I moved out of the house I was living in. I'm staying at an extended stay hotel in the next town over. Fran wants me to move out. She thinks that I become a hermit and that I get too depressed without more people around. She's right, but I like the hotel's breakfast buffet a lot. Who needs friends when you got free bacon, eggs, and waffles every morning?

Recalculating Route

It took me an hour and 20 mins to get home from Cambridge tonight. (I went to an art show. It sucked, I've seen better shit on my sister's refridgerator.) I have this GPS navigator that has an option (which I was not aware was on), to avoid tolls. So it had me going all around the world turning a 10 mile drive into a 30 mile one. Yeah, it had me driving thru downtown Boston at 11:00 at night on a Friday. I do not recommend it. Anyways, I got home.

Hair Today.....

There is a girl in my group who is losing her hair. She has bald spots and I noticed that all of her eye lashes are gone. They were there before I left for Christmas. She used to live at the TLC with me, but they let her live on her own and things just went down hill from there. She's in bad shape. I hate having groups with her because I'm so scared she's gonna keel over in the middle of class. Her skin is turning yellow, and it is obvious that she doesn't eat. She's about 5' 5' and weighs about 90 lbs. It's sad to see her do this to herself.

I'm Going Gray

Black and white thinking means thinking in terms of extremes... there's no middle ground. It's either good or bad, always or never, happy or sad... no in between. It's bad to think this way. But apparently I do, they told me so. That is why I changed the colors of my page to shades of gray. Take that McLean Hospital! No black or white here!

My Life For Now

So this is a run down on what I am doing here. I have groups in the morning and therapists in the afternoon/evening. I do nothing on the weekends...at least for now.

Groups
DBT- We learn healthy ways to deal with stress and bad feelings.
Mentilization- We go around dissecting situations that happen to people in the group.
Self Assessment-Where am I in treatment? What do I need to improve? What do I do next?
Interpersonal- Usually ends up with two people fighting. I love it.
Family Issues- Self explanatory

Therapists
Fran- (Or Dr. Arnold, I call her Fran.) I see her 4 times a week. I'm closest to her than anyone here. She leads my treatment team. She must be a really good therapist because her office is huge(I've noticed that the size of the office is proportionate to the amount of experience), and it's right in the middle of Harvard Square. It costs 10 cents a second to talk to her (I did the math). I like her a lot. She's the cutest dresser. She looks just like Diane Keaton.
Kelly- I see her 2-3 times a week. She looks like Gina Laschiavio. Her dad is Dr. Gunderson, he's like world famous. He is in charge of the program I'm in. Kelly helps me with the BDD by having me do things like go out with no makeup on. (I'm not there yet). She is also my DBT coach....She coaches me DBT for the BPD and CBT for BDD.
Stephanie- I see once a week. She helps me with anything and everything I need to do. She's helped me file insurance claims, find a place to live, manages my groups, she does it all. She's like 8 1/2 months pregnant and I don't know what I'm gonna do when she's on leave.
Dr. Boyajian- (Pronounced Boy Ah Gin) I see him once a week. He's my psychiatrist, but he also specializes in addiction. Thanks to him, I don't have to go to anymore drug/alcohol groups. He says that it's obvious to him (and he should know), that I'm not using drugs and I'm not an alcoholic. I've been saying that from day one, but nobody believed me until I started seeing him. I guess they automatically assume that anyone diagnosed with BPD that also happens to be Catholic must have a dependency problem. He looks just like my cousin Steve.
Julieta- (Pronounced holy etta, or Dr. Holman) I see once a week. She is the family therapist. She's really pretty. Her name sounds like she's Mexican or something, but she's white.