So Fresh and So Clean

My sister Angie had a hissy fit about my last post. She told me to take it down...I guess she doesn't want the 10 people that read my blogs to know that I use the same towel to dry my clean body as I use to dry my clean dishes. But in reality, I don't dry my dishes....the dishwasher does that for me. Also, Angie would like my [10] readers to know that while my laundry upkeep may be sub par, my personal hygiene is perfectly adequate.

Reducing My Carbon Footprint?

I remember when I was getting ready to move into the dorms at UC my dad gave me the lecture about living on my own. One of the things I remember him saying to me was "You're gonna have to start using your bath towels more than once when you don't have someone doing your laundry everyday." Well, I took that advise and ran with it... I got through the whole month of July using one bath towel and one hand towel (which also doubled as a dish towel).

This May Be The Snobbiest Thing I Will Ever Write

One thing about my new place that makes me feel "at home" is a garage full of Mercedes.

Yep, I Counted.

It is only 158 steps between the entrance to my apartment and the entrance to the mall.

Zumility

While I was in Vegas over the weekend, my mom bought tickets to see a show called Zumanity. It's one of those Cirque de Soliel shows. Little did mom know that the show was all about sex. When she told me she got tickets to see it, I informed her that it's all about sex and I don't really want to watch something like that with my mom, but she played the "mother's day card" and guilted me into going.
When we went to the box office to pick up our tickets before the show, we noticed that it was all couples...that's when mom decided to sell our tickets, she got in trouble for scalping. We decided to go to show anyway.
It was a good show...unless you are with your mom. The MC was some famous drag queen..(s)he kept asking the audience if we were horny. That was embarrassing. They pulled a lot of people out of the audience. That was a little anxiety provoking...thankfully they didn't pick us to come up on stage.
The show pretty much covered every genre of sex...lesbians, gays, voyeurism, hedonism, orgies, bondage, S & M, dildos*...pretty much anything a person does not want to see with their mother. Some highlights of the show; a woman wearing nothing but a mini skirt made of mardi gras beads performed a crazy African dance that involved a lot of high kicks, men kissing men, women kissing women, a male contortionist who let us know that yes it's possible, and yes he does. I couldn't take much more...we left early.

*I wasn't quit sure how to pluralize dildo, so I put dildoes, and the spell checker corrected me. I thought that was funny.

Make Way For Tim

Tim came up to visit this weekend. We had so much fun. Now I'm gonna bore you with what we did....
-We had dinner at The Union Oyster House, the oldest restaurant in the country.
-I gave him the grand tour of McLean's campus.
-I taught him how to play Keno(it's legal in MA), he won.
-We went to the public gardens (the oldest park in the country).
-We went to a graveyard where Samuel Adams, Paul Revere, and my fave...Mother Goose are buried.
-We met with my family therapist Julieta... she said that talking to Tim gave her a chance to see how really messed up I was before coming to McLean. True that.
-We got to see the duck statues....they're bronze statues of little ducks, the are famous because they are in a popular children's book called "Make Way For Duckling", I want to buy it, but it's too expensive.
-We rode on the Swan Boats...it's another famous thing, I'm not sure why, but everyone always says "you gotta ride the swan boats". So I did.

That about covers it....hope I didn't bore you.

Flying Pigs

This is so funny, I have to share it.

It was once said that a black man would be president "when pigs fly", indeed 100 days into Obama's presidency...Swine Flu!

Midgets, Bellybuttons, and Skittles

Ten reasons why I believe I'm a little evil...

1. If someone is driving on the freeway with their blinker on, I get in front of them and put my blinker on, just to annoy them as much as they annoy me.
2. I think it's hilarious when people fall.
3. When people take their sweet time crossing the street, I sometimes fantasize about hitting them with my car, just to teach them a lesson.
4. I don't believe in Adam and Eve because I saw a painting of them and they had belly buttons and neither one of them should have a belly button. If I saw a painting of them without bellybuttons, I might change my thinking.
   
5. Midgets make me laugh...so much so, that I truly want to start a company that rents out midgets for kid's parties. I'd call it Rent-A-Midget our motto would be: "Little People For Your Little People".
6. I have a difficult time finding the difference between gullible and faith.
7. I think littering is good...it creates more jobs.
8. I managed to get through high school without ever reading a book.
9. I schedule appointments around TV shows.
10. I have never been able to eat or drink after anyone my whole life, I think it's gross, yet today I ate something that I found on the floor in my hotel because I wasn't sure if it was an M&M or a Skittle...(it was a Tylenol).
    

Power In Numbers

Today at 3:30 I get the results to all the tests I took a few weeks ago. The only one I care about is the IQ test. I know, it's just a number... but they developed this elaborate test (WAIS)for a reason. Other than to weed out the the geniuses and the retarded from the rest of the population, I'm not real sure what the reason behind the IQ test is. I guess people just love numbers.

If My Boyfriend Was Sweet

This is what Tim would look like if he were an M&M.

Just Laugh

One of the things they try to teach us in DBT is distress tolerance; the ability to handle conflicts and such without going off the deep end. It's something I'm not so good at. So me and the other delicate flowers have to learn different "skills" to help us deal with problems in a healthy way. So one of the skills is called distraction. It's basic purpose is to prevent us from "maladaptive ways of coping". Anyways, long story short... I needed some distraction from the bad day I had today, so I looked for things online to make me laugh. These are some funny quotes I found:

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." George Burns
(I really really love and miss my family but, I had to share it cuz it's kinda true...:)

These next one's are Mitch Hedburg quotes. He's so hilarious!:

"I like the Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people."

"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too."

"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."

"This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty."

"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"

"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!"

I feel better now.

The A Word

I got to take a bunch of head tests today...it was fun. During one part of the tests, I was asked to name a word that starts with the letter A. Let's see...aardvark, apple, animal, antelope....there's so many to choose from. But for some reason I just could not think of anything except for asshole, and I didn't want to say that, so instead I said Antidisestablishmentarianism. It's a real word. I don't know what it is, but I know it starts with an A. I'm just glad she didn't ask me to use it in a sentence.

What A Wonderful Bird The Frog Are

I'm getting a bunch of tests done on Friday. It's like a 3 hour psychology extravaganza. I get to do the inkblot test, the word association test, the personality test... throw in a big red balloon and I'll be having the time of my life! What I am not looking forward to is the career aptitude test, and the IQ test. Last time I took a career test (in high school), it told me I would be best suited for clerical work...and that's what ended up doing 5 years later. And about the IQ test, what if I find out I'm stupid? What if I am a Forrest Gump and nobody told me because they didn't want to hurt my feelings. Or worse...what if I find out I'm a genius and they make me study and solve difficult equations and work for the CIA, cracking difficult top secret codes. Or maybe I just watch too many movies (Forrest Gump, Good Will Hunting, A Beautiful Mind). I wish they had a Nerd test because I'd ace that one.

Dog Eat Dog

I go to Petsmart sometimes to see the dogs, but today I was told that I have to purchase something or leave, so I had to buy something. The worker who threatened me has seen me in the store a bunch of times and she really doesn't care for me (probably cuz I don't buy anything). So, to spite the bitch, I purchased a box of dog biscuits and utilized my privilege as a customer to roam the store and hand out treats to random dogs.

The Salmon Palace

Hawaii was great...as always. It was a perfect vacation except everything at the Royal Hawaiian is different now. It got taken over by some new uber modern management team that doesn't know what they are doing. First off, they changed the color of the hotel...yes, it's still pink, but they added a hint of orange to the mix, so now it's a salmon color. I don't like it. Also, some asshole decided to change the recipe for the Mai Tai. Big mistake. I don't even like the Mai Tai, but just the idea of how ignorant they are to change something that is such a staple in Waikiki irks me. They claim that they hired a world renown "mixologist" (yep, bar tending has officially become a science) to create an even better Mai Tai. Screw tradition. Who cares if the Mai Tai originated here, let's change it and make it healthy, and then we can stop by Colonel Sander's house and tell him how to make chicken!

Recalculating Route

It took me an hour and 20 mins to get home from Cambridge tonight. (I went to an art show. It sucked, I've seen better shit on my sister's refridgerator.) I have this GPS navigator that has an option (which I was not aware was on), to avoid tolls. So it had me going all around the world turning a 10 mile drive into a 30 mile one. Yeah, it had me driving thru downtown Boston at 11:00 at night on a Friday. I do not recommend it. Anyways, I got home.