Review

My review went rather well. Everyone seemed to be so surprised about how I managed to fly under the radar that they didn't even care about my truancy. The bad thing from all of this is that I'm gonna have to start going to all of my groups again...but that's what I'm here for.

Just Thought You'd Like To Know...

I have my big review with Dr. Gunderson and all my treaters tomorrow. I finally told Fran about how I've been skipping groups...her jaw dropped to the floor.

I Think I Better Tell Them

I'm not looking forward to my review on Thursday. I have been skipping groups since June. I seriously haven't gone to any groups (except DBT and that's only because Dr. Murphy puts the fear of God in anyone who misses). And considering that over 50% of my treatment plan includes group therapy, skipping groups for 2 months is kinda a big deal. The thing that gets me is that no one (i.e. Fran, Kelly, Stephanie, Dr. B or any of the group leaders) has said anything to me about it and I'm starting to think that they aren't aware...which is really odd considering they usually watch every move I make.

Manic Monday

I had the worst day ever. My landlady finally called me to tell me that my check cleared and I can finally move in. The problem with that, is she called right in the middle of my Interpersonal group and apparently it was very rude and disrespectful of me to answer my phone during group. I ended up walking out and I don't plan on going back. All the girls in the group are total bitches. Then I spent the whole next group crying because one of the bitches that was in my IP group is in my family issues group and she felt that it was important to make me feel as horrible as possible for answering my phone during group even though I am stressed out enough with the whole moving thing and on top of that I start school tonight. By the end of group I got her feeling pretty guilty for yelling at me. Unfortunately she is so into herself, I'm not sure she has the ability to feel for other people.

Incomplete

Look what I did! Some parts are graphic, but that's just for dramatic effects. Sorry if I used anyone's picture without permission...but it's too late now. None of the gory pics are of me...I promise. Don't watch it without sound, or it won't make any sense.

I'm Not Gonna Do It

In DBT today, we did this weird activity that made me feel awkwardly stupid. It was one of those exercises where participation is required from everyone because if one person doesn't participate, it doesn't work. So prior to doing the activity, Dr. Murphy made sure me and the three other girls in group were willing to do what the lady on the tape tells us to do. We all agreed. So we begin. The lady on the tape instructs us to relax and get comfortable and join in whenever we're ready. I was not sure what she meant until she started chanting "Shaaaa-loooommmmmmm". So I look around the room and nobody is joining the chant except Dr. M, and I'm not about to jump in because I feel ridiculous... so for the next 2 minutes Dr. Murphy and the lady on the tape are singing "Shalom" over and over while me and the other girls silently shared confused looks. Nobody ever joined in. Dr. Murphy was not happy.
"This is the first time in 15 years" she said, "that absolutely nobody joined in". Then of course, she went around the room and got every one's explanations. When my turn came, I knew that saying "I felt silly" wasn't gonna fly, so I came up with the brilliant excuse that I don't feel comfortable chanting Jewish terminology...which I totally made up. The words were literally coming out of my mouth before I knew what I saying . So now I sound like a Jew basher, and then she asks me if I would prefer if we chanted "Bon Joir", and I replied by asking "why can't we chant an English word?" So now I look like a Jew bashing, non-English speaking hater and the more I tried to get my foot out of my mouth, the more ignorant my statements became, so I left.

I Wanna Hold Your Hand

I didn't write any blogs the past week cuz I didn't want to write about the hard time I'm having, but after talking to my therapists, I decided that if I only write about the lighter side of things than I am not really sharing my whole experience...and the whole point of the blog is to keep my family up to date about things. (Sorry about the run on sentence.) I just didn't want to sound like a big cry baby. But get out your tiny violins....
I had a hard week because I'm trying to get structure and everything, but things aren't going so smoothly. I think the root of it is the fact that I'm having a hard time making friends and without friends, it gets really hard to be social, and when it's hard to be social, it gets real lonely. I never experienced anxiety about things before. I never knew I was shy, because I always knew someone, or I had someone in my family there to guide me thru. I was supposed to go to an open house for a design school, but I couldn't do it because I got so scared. I know that if I had a friend there with me, I could have gone. I feel really bad because I am so dependant on other people to hold my hand and help me thru. I feel like my feelings of worthlessness are finally justified.

The Elephant In The Room

On Mondays I have a group called "interpersonal" where we're supposed to address any issues we may have with other people in the group. It can be a really fun group, but when nobody has any pressing issues, it gets a little dull. Like today, all we did for the first 5 minutes was look around at each other until someone broke the silence. When that didn't happen, the group leader decided to step in. George(the group leader), must of been in the mood to stir up some drama because the topic he chose to break the ice was politics. Aside from the fact that it's a controversial subject, it just so happens that of the 5 people that showed up for the group; 4 are radical left wing lesbians who avoid 'organized religions'....and one is a Catholic Republican... I can't go into total details cuz I don't want the McLean posse to get on me about patient confidentiality, but guess who was the odd man out.

Just Laugh

One of the things they try to teach us in DBT is distress tolerance; the ability to handle conflicts and such without going off the deep end. It's something I'm not so good at. So me and the other delicate flowers have to learn different "skills" to help us deal with problems in a healthy way. So one of the skills is called distraction. It's basic purpose is to prevent us from "maladaptive ways of coping". Anyways, long story short... I needed some distraction from the bad day I had today, so I looked for things online to make me laugh. These are some funny quotes I found:

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." George Burns
(I really really love and miss my family but, I had to share it cuz it's kinda true...:)

These next one's are Mitch Hedburg quotes. He's so hilarious!:

"I like the Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people."

"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too."

"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."

"This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty."

"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"

"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!"

I feel better now.

WWJ(+KDSDBRAPA)D?

I had a conference call with my dad and my family therapist the other day. It was very nice to get to share my dad with somebody here. He just seems to ooze wisdom. The wise old Al (lol, I just made that up!). Knowledge that no Harvard education can provide. I'm really lucky he's my dad. (I can just picture each of my sisters' going awww.) Anyway, dad suggested that I should reach out to my siblings more. So that is what I'm going to do right now.
Kathy, Dan, Scot, Diane, Bambi, Robin, Angie, Mom and Dad (kids and spouses are welcome, but not necessary) : I need help deciding what I am going to do for "structure". Put yourself in my shoes when you read the choices. What would be the best thing for me? You can email me or call me, or leave a comment (I changed the settings, so anyone can leave comments now). I really do value every one's thoughts and opinions, so can everyone please respond as soon as possible? Thank you, I love you and miss y'all. If you are a stranger, I don't love or miss you and I don't want your opinion.

These are my options:
1. Get a J-O-B. I don't have enough time to get a full time job, and I don't really know how long I'll be here, so some places won't hire me for that reason. So I'll probably end up working at a restaurant or something that isn't exactly intellectually stimulating.
Pros-I'll make money, acquire work ethic, get some "structure" and meet new people.
Cons- It will only be part time, so it won't be something I'm not already used to. Plus, I don't wanna work... it's something I'll have to learn to want to do first. ..(that last part may just be a big fat excuse, but it sounded good).

2. Volunteer. I'd probably work at a no kill shelter where I'd get to be around dogs, but part of my job would probably be picking up poop. Or, I'd do something to help with the poor, kids, or old people.
Pros- Fulfillment. Learning to be a caretaker, I may be able to work with dogs. The feeling of being a better person and doing my part...=less depression and worthless feelings. Plus, I'll learn to be a little less narcissistic, and a little more altruistic.
Cons-If I don't want to get a job that pays, why would I wanna get one that doesn't? (my little conscience angel just popped up and reminded me that the feeling of doing something good for others is better pay than all the money in the world).

3. Hobbies and non-credit classes. I'd probably take a sewing class, an art class, and maybe a pottery class. I'd do a yoga or aerobics class of some kind before group at the place up the road, and take some courses in business and finance at the Harvard extension.
Pros-I'd get to tell people that I'm going to school at Harvard. I love doing all that artsy stuff. I'll stay busy. I'll get in shape...I might be able to get back into gymnastics..which I love. I'll be able to fill up my time with stuff that I actually enjoy doing, and I'll be able to learn new things that may be valuable for my future.
Cons-They all cost money and I'm running low. Most of the groups will be in Cambridge and parking is a bitch.

4. Go to school. One of the tests I took last week tested areas of study I would be best at. It said that the best fields of study for me would be in design, or something in business/marketing. I agree. I could easily get into design school, and get a degree in 1-2 years, and I know I'll enjoy doing it.
Pros- I am in the land of a thousand colleges, and it would be nice to finish school. I feel like I have a good opportunity and I might regret it if I don't take it. Plus, I will be able to live in something a little less 'short term'. It's probably the best thing for me in terms of breaking from the apron strings. Also, I'd be working towards something that I want and that I'll be happy doing.
Cons- I can't afford it. I will miss my family. Tim won't be very happy, we might end up breaking up and I'll get sad. I miss the dogs. It will take a lot of work. It will be a huge step to take and I don't know how I'll handle it.

So...that's my schpeel. Now it's your turn. But, just a reminder...I'm seeking opinions and advise. I'm open to any thoughts and ideas, just leave the decision making up to me. Thanks for taking your time out to help me. Happy VD. The first one to respond back gets a prize!

Structure is Overrated

I have to start looking for something to fill up my free time. (They call it building structure)I was supposed to do this in December, but I kept putting it off. It's a really important part of my treatment and I can't weasel out of it anymore... plus, I think they're on to me. I guess it is important for me to "build structure" and it is one of the reasons I'm up here, but(excuse me while I have a spoiled brat moment)... I DON'T WANNA GET A JOB!!! They did tell me that I have other options rather than getting a job, but I'll have to discuss that another time...my typing finger is getting tired. Good Night.

I Know, You're Just Doing Your Job.

McLean has people who's actual job is to surf the internet all day looking for anything that mentions McLean hospital. So, one of these computer geeks (sorry, but that is what you are) finds my blog and sees that I'm in the borderline program and sends my blog to Dr. Gunderson, Fran, and Dr. Boyajian. They haven't contacted the rest of my treatment team. My guess is because I didn't have their full names posted. Dr.Stephanie Rickey, Dr. Kelly Gunderson, and Dr. Julieta Holman. Don't worry, I'm not gonna put anything bad about the hospital...now.

My Living Situation Dilemma

They are really getting on me to find an apartment and a room mate. I have a big problem with this. First of all, with an apartment, the cost of rent plus utilities plus furniture and parking, costs more than I am paying here and I get breakfast and maid service. Also, the thought of looking for a room mate makes me sad. I don't wanna room with any other patients, but if I get a stranger to live with I'll have to go thru the dreaded explanation of how I'm a mental patient. Who in their right mind would wanna room with a mad woman?...not me. Maybe one of my college bound nieces or nephews could come up here for school(there's like a million of 'em) and be my roomie.
Damn. Now I'm sad.

What A Wonderful Bird The Frog Are

I'm getting a bunch of tests done on Friday. It's like a 3 hour psychology extravaganza. I get to do the inkblot test, the word association test, the personality test... throw in a big red balloon and I'll be having the time of my life! What I am not looking forward to is the career aptitude test, and the IQ test. Last time I took a career test (in high school), it told me I would be best suited for clerical work...and that's what ended up doing 5 years later. And about the IQ test, what if I find out I'm stupid? What if I am a Forrest Gump and nobody told me because they didn't want to hurt my feelings. Or worse...what if I find out I'm a genius and they make me study and solve difficult equations and work for the CIA, cracking difficult top secret codes. Or maybe I just watch too many movies (Forrest Gump, Good Will Hunting, A Beautiful Mind). I wish they had a Nerd test because I'd ace that one.

Mindfulness.

Mindfulness is a term used here a lot...like twenty times a day. It is one of the skills we learn in DBT. It's all about living in the moment and becoming more aware of things. I think it's some kinda Buddhist thing or something. Either way, it works. It definitely has changed my life.
So anyway, this past weekend, my DBT teacher Dr. Murphy went on a mindfulness retreat with the lady who invented DBT, Marsha Linehan (she is like a god to these people). It was a silent retreat...no talking... at all...for five days. Ridiculous. Anyway, I'm not sure what went on at the retreat, but Dr. M is like a total different person now. She is so calm and peaceful and nothing seems to bother her (that is not an easy feat when you're dealing with borderlines all day...trust me). She's like a hair cut and a brown robe away from becoming a Buddhist monk. I like it. More people should go on those retreats.

Hair Today.....

There is a girl in my group who is losing her hair. She has bald spots and I noticed that all of her eye lashes are gone. They were there before I left for Christmas. She used to live at the TLC with me, but they let her live on her own and things just went down hill from there. She's in bad shape. I hate having groups with her because I'm so scared she's gonna keel over in the middle of class. Her skin is turning yellow, and it is obvious that she doesn't eat. She's about 5' 5' and weighs about 90 lbs. It's sad to see her do this to herself.

I'm Going Gray

Black and white thinking means thinking in terms of extremes... there's no middle ground. It's either good or bad, always or never, happy or sad... no in between. It's bad to think this way. But apparently I do, they told me so. That is why I changed the colors of my page to shades of gray. Take that McLean Hospital! No black or white here!

My Life For Now

So this is a run down on what I am doing here. I have groups in the morning and therapists in the afternoon/evening. I do nothing on the weekends...at least for now.

Groups
DBT- We learn healthy ways to deal with stress and bad feelings.
Mentilization- We go around dissecting situations that happen to people in the group.
Self Assessment-Where am I in treatment? What do I need to improve? What do I do next?
Interpersonal- Usually ends up with two people fighting. I love it.
Family Issues- Self explanatory

Therapists
Fran- (Or Dr. Arnold, I call her Fran.) I see her 4 times a week. I'm closest to her than anyone here. She leads my treatment team. She must be a really good therapist because her office is huge(I've noticed that the size of the office is proportionate to the amount of experience), and it's right in the middle of Harvard Square. It costs 10 cents a second to talk to her (I did the math). I like her a lot. She's the cutest dresser. She looks just like Diane Keaton.
Kelly- I see her 2-3 times a week. She looks like Gina Laschiavio. Her dad is Dr. Gunderson, he's like world famous. He is in charge of the program I'm in. Kelly helps me with the BDD by having me do things like go out with no makeup on. (I'm not there yet). She is also my DBT coach....She coaches me DBT for the BPD and CBT for BDD.
Stephanie- I see once a week. She helps me with anything and everything I need to do. She's helped me file insurance claims, find a place to live, manages my groups, she does it all. She's like 8 1/2 months pregnant and I don't know what I'm gonna do when she's on leave.
Dr. Boyajian- (Pronounced Boy Ah Gin) I see him once a week. He's my psychiatrist, but he also specializes in addiction. Thanks to him, I don't have to go to anymore drug/alcohol groups. He says that it's obvious to him (and he should know), that I'm not using drugs and I'm not an alcoholic. I've been saying that from day one, but nobody believed me until I started seeing him. I guess they automatically assume that anyone diagnosed with BPD that also happens to be Catholic must have a dependency problem. He looks just like my cousin Steve.
Julieta- (Pronounced holy etta, or Dr. Holman) I see once a week. She is the family therapist. She's really pretty. Her name sounds like she's Mexican or something, but she's white.