Missing Blogs

I looked at my blog for the first time in a while and noticed that a lot of blogs were missing. I guess I accidentally saved them as drafts and never published them. So I went and published all the blogs that never got published. Since my settings are set to post blogs in order of the date it was written and not by the date it was published, some new posts will be stuck in between old ones. But to make it easier for the dozen or so people who actually read my blogs, I labeled the missing blogs "missing blog".

Review

My review went rather well. Everyone seemed to be so surprised about how I managed to fly under the radar that they didn't even care about my truancy. The bad thing from all of this is that I'm gonna have to start going to all of my groups again...but that's what I'm here for.

Just Thought You'd Like To Know...

I have my big review with Dr. Gunderson and all my treaters tomorrow. I finally told Fran about how I've been skipping groups...her jaw dropped to the floor.

I Think I Better Tell Them

I'm not looking forward to my review on Thursday. I have been skipping groups since June. I seriously haven't gone to any groups (except DBT and that's only because Dr. Murphy puts the fear of God in anyone who misses). And considering that over 50% of my treatment plan includes group therapy, skipping groups for 2 months is kinda a big deal. The thing that gets me is that no one (i.e. Fran, Kelly, Stephanie, Dr. B or any of the group leaders) has said anything to me about it and I'm starting to think that they aren't aware...which is really odd considering they usually watch every move I make.

So Fresh and So Clean

My sister Angie had a hissy fit about my last post. She told me to take it down...I guess she doesn't want the 10 people that read my blogs to know that I use the same towel to dry my clean body as I use to dry my clean dishes. But in reality, I don't dry my dishes....the dishwasher does that for me. Also, Angie would like my [10] readers to know that while my laundry upkeep may be sub par, my personal hygiene is perfectly adequate.

Reducing My Carbon Footprint?

I remember when I was getting ready to move into the dorms at UC my dad gave me the lecture about living on my own. One of the things I remember him saying to me was "You're gonna have to start using your bath towels more than once when you don't have someone doing your laundry everyday." Well, I took that advise and ran with it... I got through the whole month of July using one bath towel and one hand towel (which also doubled as a dish towel).

No News

People keep asking me why I don't write very many blogs anymore. Well, there's a lot of reasons.
1. I don't wanna talk about it.
2. I forget that people actually read my blog.
3. I like to keep my blogs on the "lighter side". When things gets sucky, I don't write about it.
4. I'm lazy....or inconsistent...chose one.

Dimomifer

I really have no right to be so upset. Godmother is just a title.

Hi There

So I went and fell in love with an older man. He's 50 and very much unavailable. I told my treatment team about it and they call what I'm experiencing transference. I call it confusing. I even told Tim about it...he took the news surprisingly well.

It's Just Not "Fare"

I am excited about going home this weekend. I hope the St. Pius festival is fun. The only thing I hate is that I am 3 miles away from the airport, yet it takes 45 minutes and costs $28 dollars each way in cab fare. I guess it's better than before....when I lived in Waltham, it cost $100 each way and if I drove myself, parking costs were just as much...and I parked in the economy lot....and I had to go through 3 toll booths. I'm so glad that's over. Well, I better go now. Bye

I Drive Myself Crazy

I think most people are good drivers...except for women, black people, Asians, Mexicans and old people.

Twit Happens

I've succumbed to the twitter. I can tell people what I'm doing as it happens. Still not sure how the whole thing works, but I don't care.
I remember when people used to call other people "twit" if they did something stupid. Or maybe that was just a made-up mom word. I'm not sure.
Anyways, my twitters should show up on the left side of my blog page. It's just an experiment.

OMG

I found out yesterday that the Bin Laden family lives in my building. Not only that, but across the street there is an Afghani restaurant that is owned by the brother of the the new president of Afganistan. To think I chose this location because it's safe.

This May Be The Snobbiest Thing I Will Ever Write

One thing about my new place that makes me feel "at home" is a garage full of Mercedes.

Yep, I Counted.

It is only 158 steps between the entrance to my apartment and the entrance to the mall.

I got a new apartment today.

(I cut and pasted the ad)

CAMBRIDGE - STUDIO - 1 BATH - Luxury studio condo in East Cambridge. Furnished, no lead. Pool, health club, and 24 hour concierge. There is a balcony, carpeting dishwasher & disposal. Laundry in building, and parking. NO PETS - 1 Garage parking Available: Now.

It's 514 sq. ft. It makes my old condo look like a mansion. It has a walk in closet, a bathroom with a tub, a kitchen and 15' x 12' area that serves as a bedroom, living room, and dining room. It also has a patio that overlooks a cute little courtyard with a fountain. It has an awesome view of the Charles River. It's in a safe neighborhood and if family wants to visit, they can stay in the guest suite instead of getting a hotel.
I have a lot more updates, but I've been busy trying to shove as much of the hotel's belongings (sheets, towels, coffee maker, dishes, pillows, toilet paper, et c ...if they don't want me to take it, then they shouldn't call it 'complimentary') as possible into 4 suitcases. Bye I love you.

Manic Monday

I had the worst day ever. My landlady finally called me to tell me that my check cleared and I can finally move in. The problem with that, is she called right in the middle of my Interpersonal group and apparently it was very rude and disrespectful of me to answer my phone during group. I ended up walking out and I don't plan on going back. All the girls in the group are total bitches. Then I spent the whole next group crying because one of the bitches that was in my IP group is in my family issues group and she felt that it was important to make me feel as horrible as possible for answering my phone during group even though I am stressed out enough with the whole moving thing and on top of that I start school tonight. By the end of group I got her feeling pretty guilty for yelling at me. Unfortunately she is so into herself, I'm not sure she has the ability to feel for other people.

I Signed a Lease Today

I moved all of my belongings out of my hotel room and I am supposed to be moving in to my new apartment, but the landlady will not let me have the key until my check clears. I am homeless.

Zumility

While I was in Vegas over the weekend, my mom bought tickets to see a show called Zumanity. It's one of those Cirque de Soliel shows. Little did mom know that the show was all about sex. When she told me she got tickets to see it, I informed her that it's all about sex and I don't really want to watch something like that with my mom, but she played the "mother's day card" and guilted me into going.
When we went to the box office to pick up our tickets before the show, we noticed that it was all couples...that's when mom decided to sell our tickets, she got in trouble for scalping. We decided to go to show anyway.
It was a good show...unless you are with your mom. The MC was some famous drag queen..(s)he kept asking the audience if we were horny. That was embarrassing. They pulled a lot of people out of the audience. That was a little anxiety provoking...thankfully they didn't pick us to come up on stage.
The show pretty much covered every genre of sex...lesbians, gays, voyeurism, hedonism, orgies, bondage, S & M, dildos*...pretty much anything a person does not want to see with their mother. Some highlights of the show; a woman wearing nothing but a mini skirt made of mardi gras beads performed a crazy African dance that involved a lot of high kicks, men kissing men, women kissing women, a male contortionist who let us know that yes it's possible, and yes he does. I couldn't take much more...we left early.

*I wasn't quit sure how to pluralize dildo, so I put dildoes, and the spell checker corrected me. I thought that was funny.

Make Way For Tim

Tim came up to visit this weekend. We had so much fun. Now I'm gonna bore you with what we did....
-We had dinner at The Union Oyster House, the oldest restaurant in the country.
-I gave him the grand tour of McLean's campus.
-I taught him how to play Keno(it's legal in MA), he won.
-We went to the public gardens (the oldest park in the country).
-We went to a graveyard where Samuel Adams, Paul Revere, and my fave...Mother Goose are buried.
-We met with my family therapist Julieta... she said that talking to Tim gave her a chance to see how really messed up I was before coming to McLean. True that.
-We got to see the duck statues....they're bronze statues of little ducks, the are famous because they are in a popular children's book called "Make Way For Duckling", I want to buy it, but it's too expensive.
-We rode on the Swan Boats...it's another famous thing, I'm not sure why, but everyone always says "you gotta ride the swan boats". So I did.

That about covers it....hope I didn't bore you.

Flying Pigs

This is so funny, I have to share it.

It was once said that a black man would be president "when pigs fly", indeed 100 days into Obama's presidency...Swine Flu!

What's Up

I put a job application in at the Home Depot. I think the only reason I wouldn't mind working there is because I look good in an apron. I might sign up for design class at the BAC, but it's located downtown and I hate traffic...just ask Angie. I'm taking a class for fun on Wednesday nights at the Cambridge Center for Adult Ed. It's called humorous writing... I'm not the best writer in the class, but I'm definitely the funniest. I also got a job coaching cheer leading for a peewee football team. It's only 1 hour a week and 1 game a weekend, but it will give me something to do. So... that's what I've been up to. Sorry I haven't been keeping up with the blogs, I'll try to in the future.

Angie Does Boston

My sister Angie came to visit this weekend. It was so nice to have my first visitor. We had a lot of fun. On Friday we went to Harvard Square for dinner. We went into this weird restaurant where you're supposed to "create" your own meals. We were confused by this concept, so we left. We ended up at a pizza place appropriately named "The Upper Crust". On Saturday, we met with my psychologist Fran, and then we went to McLean to meet with Julietta, the Family Therapist. After that, we went downtown Boston to go shopping and site seeing. Everything was great, until we went to eat lunch.
We were eating lunch on Newberry St. (Rodeo Dr. of the East coast), when we realized that the parking meter we parked at, was soon to expire. So, being the nice big sister, Angie offered to go fill the meter real quick. It took her an hour. Apparently we walked a good mile and didn't realize how far away the car was.
Once she came back, we went on the Duck tour...it was fun. I yelled at a baby. After the tour, we decided to go to the North End which was about 2 miles away. I wanted to take a cab so we could keep our parking spot, but Angie talked me into driving. I let her drive, because she of course knew how to get there. We got lost. I got crabby. We went home hungry. But regardless, it was a good time. Angie did a wonderful job tolerating my whining, I would have slapped me, but she didn't. I'm so sad the weekend had to end. It was such a nice time. I miss her already.

How To Stop Your Neighbor's Dog From Barking

I am not going to groups today on account that my sister's dog was murdered. It's not because I am too sad to go on with my daily tasks, (although, I am very sad for Angie and her kids) but frankly, I don't wanna tell anyone that depressing story, and I know I will if I go to group. It's a story that would definitely get Uncle Albert down from the ceiling...(if you've ever seen Mary Poppins, you will understand what I mean.)

Nickel

My old best friend Nicole is sending me emails and calling... she does not know why I am up here and she keeps asking. The emails are getting more frequent, I have not responded. I know how she is....she is so relentless, I wouldn't doubt it if she finds me. Plus she is a drug addict..so I'm sure she's probably getting out of dodge because of some kind of legal problem. I'm going home today. I have a feeling she will stop by while I'm in town. She tells me that she refuses to spend her 29th birthday in NKY. Her birthday is in May.

hey jen,
whats goin on? i was thinking about moving here soon. i was wandering how boston is? i have to get the hell out of cinci. where you workin? do you like it up there? hit me back...
nicole

Incomplete

Look what I did! Some parts are graphic, but that's just for dramatic effects. Sorry if I used anyone's picture without permission...but it's too late now. None of the gory pics are of me...I promise. Don't watch it without sound, or it won't make any sense.

Midgets, Bellybuttons, and Skittles

Ten reasons why I believe I'm a little evil...

1. If someone is driving on the freeway with their blinker on, I get in front of them and put my blinker on, just to annoy them as much as they annoy me.
2. I think it's hilarious when people fall.
3. When people take their sweet time crossing the street, I sometimes fantasize about hitting them with my car, just to teach them a lesson.
4. I don't believe in Adam and Eve because I saw a painting of them and they had belly buttons and neither one of them should have a belly button. If I saw a painting of them without bellybuttons, I might change my thinking.
   
5. Midgets make me laugh...so much so, that I truly want to start a company that rents out midgets for kid's parties. I'd call it Rent-A-Midget our motto would be: "Little People For Your Little People".
6. I have a difficult time finding the difference between gullible and faith.
7. I think littering is good...it creates more jobs.
8. I managed to get through high school without ever reading a book.
9. I schedule appointments around TV shows.
10. I have never been able to eat or drink after anyone my whole life, I think it's gross, yet today I ate something that I found on the floor in my hotel because I wasn't sure if it was an M&M or a Skittle...(it was a Tylenol).
    

Hot

I went downstairs this morning to get my daily caffeine fix, but they were out of mugs, so I had to use a paper cup. As I preceded back to my room, the cup got hotter and hotter. I did not realize that I was exclaiming "hot" out loud until the good looking guy passing by me said "Thank you" . Right at that moment, my hand decided that it could no longer handle the scorching heat. In a split second, his Sketchers were covered with scolding hot, brown liquid. He soon realized I was talking about the coffee.

I'm Not Gonna Do It

In DBT today, we did this weird activity that made me feel awkwardly stupid. It was one of those exercises where participation is required from everyone because if one person doesn't participate, it doesn't work. So prior to doing the activity, Dr. Murphy made sure me and the three other girls in group were willing to do what the lady on the tape tells us to do. We all agreed. So we begin. The lady on the tape instructs us to relax and get comfortable and join in whenever we're ready. I was not sure what she meant until she started chanting "Shaaaa-loooommmmmmm". So I look around the room and nobody is joining the chant except Dr. M, and I'm not about to jump in because I feel ridiculous... so for the next 2 minutes Dr. Murphy and the lady on the tape are singing "Shalom" over and over while me and the other girls silently shared confused looks. Nobody ever joined in. Dr. Murphy was not happy.
"This is the first time in 15 years" she said, "that absolutely nobody joined in". Then of course, she went around the room and got every one's explanations. When my turn came, I knew that saying "I felt silly" wasn't gonna fly, so I came up with the brilliant excuse that I don't feel comfortable chanting Jewish terminology...which I totally made up. The words were literally coming out of my mouth before I knew what I saying . So now I sound like a Jew basher, and then she asks me if I would prefer if we chanted "Bon Joir", and I replied by asking "why can't we chant an English word?" So now I look like a Jew bashing, non-English speaking hater and the more I tried to get my foot out of my mouth, the more ignorant my statements became, so I left.

I Wanna Hold Your Hand

I didn't write any blogs the past week cuz I didn't want to write about the hard time I'm having, but after talking to my therapists, I decided that if I only write about the lighter side of things than I am not really sharing my whole experience...and the whole point of the blog is to keep my family up to date about things. (Sorry about the run on sentence.) I just didn't want to sound like a big cry baby. But get out your tiny violins....
I had a hard week because I'm trying to get structure and everything, but things aren't going so smoothly. I think the root of it is the fact that I'm having a hard time making friends and without friends, it gets really hard to be social, and when it's hard to be social, it gets real lonely. I never experienced anxiety about things before. I never knew I was shy, because I always knew someone, or I had someone in my family there to guide me thru. I was supposed to go to an open house for a design school, but I couldn't do it because I got so scared. I know that if I had a friend there with me, I could have gone. I feel really bad because I am so dependant on other people to hold my hand and help me thru. I feel like my feelings of worthlessness are finally justified.

Power In Numbers

Today at 3:30 I get the results to all the tests I took a few weeks ago. The only one I care about is the IQ test. I know, it's just a number... but they developed this elaborate test (WAIS)for a reason. Other than to weed out the the geniuses and the retarded from the rest of the population, I'm not real sure what the reason behind the IQ test is. I guess people just love numbers.

Good Grief

I was really confused when I saw that today was Sunday. I fell asleep on Friday.

Why I Love My Family

Every time I get a new doctor I have to go through an evaluation process where they ask me a million questions about my life. Most people hate this process, but not me...I love it. I don't particularly enjoy the redundancy of sharing my life story over and over, but watching the doctors' stunned reactions and disbelief to my unique family situation makes it all worth it. I just got a new case manager, his name is Dr. Z. This is how some of the evaluation (and the dozen evaluations before) went:

Dr: Do you have any siblings?
Me: yes.
Dr: How many?
Me: 7
Dr: 7? Are they all from the same parents?
Me: yep
Dr: Where are you in the birth order?
Me: last.
Dr: Wow. So how old is your oldest sibling?
Me: 53 (or 54).
Dr: Wow. How old are your parents?
Me: My mom is 72 and my dad is 77
Dr: Wow, they had you a lot later in life.
Me: Yep
Dr: So are any of your siblings married or have kids?
Me: Yep.
Dr: Okay. Starting from the oldest, tell me their name and how many kids they have.
***(Abridged version)
Me: K is the oldest, she has 4, then D has 2, S has 4, D has6
Dr: Wow, that's a lot.
Me: I'm not done.
Dr: Oh sorry, go on.
Me: B has 2, R has 4, and A has 4
Dr: Wow...you are a good Catholic family!
Me: I guess.
Dr: and your parents are still married?
Me: No they got a divorce.
Dr: How old were you when they divorced?
Me: 25 or 26.
Dr: So just recently? How long were they married?
Me: 50 yrs.
Dr: 50 yrs?!!!
Me: I guess they got sick of living in separate houses, so they figured they might as well
Dr: So they were separated?
Me: No. They just lived in separate houses.
Dr: When did that happen?
Me: A little bit after my dad's heart transplant.
Dr: Heart Transplant!?!
Me: Yeah. It was 10 yrs ago.
Dr: Do you mean heart surgery?
Me: No. I mean he has a new heart.
Dr: How is he doing now?
Me: He's doing great.
Dr: Wow!

The Elephant In The Room

On Mondays I have a group called "interpersonal" where we're supposed to address any issues we may have with other people in the group. It can be a really fun group, but when nobody has any pressing issues, it gets a little dull. Like today, all we did for the first 5 minutes was look around at each other until someone broke the silence. When that didn't happen, the group leader decided to step in. George(the group leader), must of been in the mood to stir up some drama because the topic he chose to break the ice was politics. Aside from the fact that it's a controversial subject, it just so happens that of the 5 people that showed up for the group; 4 are radical left wing lesbians who avoid 'organized religions'....and one is a Catholic Republican... I can't go into total details cuz I don't want the McLean posse to get on me about patient confidentiality, but guess who was the odd man out.

"There Was A Little Girl"

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead’
When she was good she was very,very good
But when she was bad she was horrid. -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

If My Boyfriend Was Sweet

This is what Tim would look like if he were an M&M.

Just Laugh

One of the things they try to teach us in DBT is distress tolerance; the ability to handle conflicts and such without going off the deep end. It's something I'm not so good at. So me and the other delicate flowers have to learn different "skills" to help us deal with problems in a healthy way. So one of the skills is called distraction. It's basic purpose is to prevent us from "maladaptive ways of coping". Anyways, long story short... I needed some distraction from the bad day I had today, so I looked for things online to make me laugh. These are some funny quotes I found:

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." George Burns
(I really really love and miss my family but, I had to share it cuz it's kinda true...:)

These next one's are Mitch Hedburg quotes. He's so hilarious!:

"I like the Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people."

"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too."

"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."

"This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty."

"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"

"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!"

I feel better now.

Ode To Di Di

I promised a prize to the first person to reply,
and the first response I got came from my sister Di.
So this is the prize; a poem by me
because I am cheap, and poems are free.
But back to Diane and how great she is,
She looks really good for having six kids!
She bakes the best cookies, you should try her polikies
but she keeps herself in shape by going to jazzercise.
Her creativity and love of sweets really come in handy
cuz she has a booming business making jewlery, and another one making candy
She's gonna go straight to heaven, of that I have no doubt
because she is so beautiful on the inside and out.
She's a faithful catholic, a loving wife, mom and sister
and when you are apart from her it's hard not to miss her!

WWJ(+KDSDBRAPA)D?

I had a conference call with my dad and my family therapist the other day. It was very nice to get to share my dad with somebody here. He just seems to ooze wisdom. The wise old Al (lol, I just made that up!). Knowledge that no Harvard education can provide. I'm really lucky he's my dad. (I can just picture each of my sisters' going awww.) Anyway, dad suggested that I should reach out to my siblings more. So that is what I'm going to do right now.
Kathy, Dan, Scot, Diane, Bambi, Robin, Angie, Mom and Dad (kids and spouses are welcome, but not necessary) : I need help deciding what I am going to do for "structure". Put yourself in my shoes when you read the choices. What would be the best thing for me? You can email me or call me, or leave a comment (I changed the settings, so anyone can leave comments now). I really do value every one's thoughts and opinions, so can everyone please respond as soon as possible? Thank you, I love you and miss y'all. If you are a stranger, I don't love or miss you and I don't want your opinion.

These are my options:
1. Get a J-O-B. I don't have enough time to get a full time job, and I don't really know how long I'll be here, so some places won't hire me for that reason. So I'll probably end up working at a restaurant or something that isn't exactly intellectually stimulating.
Pros-I'll make money, acquire work ethic, get some "structure" and meet new people.
Cons- It will only be part time, so it won't be something I'm not already used to. Plus, I don't wanna work... it's something I'll have to learn to want to do first. ..(that last part may just be a big fat excuse, but it sounded good).

2. Volunteer. I'd probably work at a no kill shelter where I'd get to be around dogs, but part of my job would probably be picking up poop. Or, I'd do something to help with the poor, kids, or old people.
Pros- Fulfillment. Learning to be a caretaker, I may be able to work with dogs. The feeling of being a better person and doing my part...=less depression and worthless feelings. Plus, I'll learn to be a little less narcissistic, and a little more altruistic.
Cons-If I don't want to get a job that pays, why would I wanna get one that doesn't? (my little conscience angel just popped up and reminded me that the feeling of doing something good for others is better pay than all the money in the world).

3. Hobbies and non-credit classes. I'd probably take a sewing class, an art class, and maybe a pottery class. I'd do a yoga or aerobics class of some kind before group at the place up the road, and take some courses in business and finance at the Harvard extension.
Pros-I'd get to tell people that I'm going to school at Harvard. I love doing all that artsy stuff. I'll stay busy. I'll get in shape...I might be able to get back into gymnastics..which I love. I'll be able to fill up my time with stuff that I actually enjoy doing, and I'll be able to learn new things that may be valuable for my future.
Cons-They all cost money and I'm running low. Most of the groups will be in Cambridge and parking is a bitch.

4. Go to school. One of the tests I took last week tested areas of study I would be best at. It said that the best fields of study for me would be in design, or something in business/marketing. I agree. I could easily get into design school, and get a degree in 1-2 years, and I know I'll enjoy doing it.
Pros- I am in the land of a thousand colleges, and it would be nice to finish school. I feel like I have a good opportunity and I might regret it if I don't take it. Plus, I will be able to live in something a little less 'short term'. It's probably the best thing for me in terms of breaking from the apron strings. Also, I'd be working towards something that I want and that I'll be happy doing.
Cons- I can't afford it. I will miss my family. Tim won't be very happy, we might end up breaking up and I'll get sad. I miss the dogs. It will take a lot of work. It will be a huge step to take and I don't know how I'll handle it.

So...that's my schpeel. Now it's your turn. But, just a reminder...I'm seeking opinions and advise. I'm open to any thoughts and ideas, just leave the decision making up to me. Thanks for taking your time out to help me. Happy VD. The first one to respond back gets a prize!

Structure is Overrated

I have to start looking for something to fill up my free time. (They call it building structure)I was supposed to do this in December, but I kept putting it off. It's a really important part of my treatment and I can't weasel out of it anymore... plus, I think they're on to me. I guess it is important for me to "build structure" and it is one of the reasons I'm up here, but(excuse me while I have a spoiled brat moment)... I DON'T WANNA GET A JOB!!! They did tell me that I have other options rather than getting a job, but I'll have to discuss that another time...my typing finger is getting tired. Good Night.

I Know, You're Just Doing Your Job.

McLean has people who's actual job is to surf the internet all day looking for anything that mentions McLean hospital. So, one of these computer geeks (sorry, but that is what you are) finds my blog and sees that I'm in the borderline program and sends my blog to Dr. Gunderson, Fran, and Dr. Boyajian. They haven't contacted the rest of my treatment team. My guess is because I didn't have their full names posted. Dr.Stephanie Rickey, Dr. Kelly Gunderson, and Dr. Julieta Holman. Don't worry, I'm not gonna put anything bad about the hospital...now.

The A Word

I got to take a bunch of head tests today...it was fun. During one part of the tests, I was asked to name a word that starts with the letter A. Let's see...aardvark, apple, animal, antelope....there's so many to choose from. But for some reason I just could not think of anything except for asshole, and I didn't want to say that, so instead I said Antidisestablishmentarianism. It's a real word. I don't know what it is, but I know it starts with an A. I'm just glad she didn't ask me to use it in a sentence.

My Living Situation Dilemma

They are really getting on me to find an apartment and a room mate. I have a big problem with this. First of all, with an apartment, the cost of rent plus utilities plus furniture and parking, costs more than I am paying here and I get breakfast and maid service. Also, the thought of looking for a room mate makes me sad. I don't wanna room with any other patients, but if I get a stranger to live with I'll have to go thru the dreaded explanation of how I'm a mental patient. Who in their right mind would wanna room with a mad woman?...not me. Maybe one of my college bound nieces or nephews could come up here for school(there's like a million of 'em) and be my roomie.
Damn. Now I'm sad.

What A Wonderful Bird The Frog Are

I'm getting a bunch of tests done on Friday. It's like a 3 hour psychology extravaganza. I get to do the inkblot test, the word association test, the personality test... throw in a big red balloon and I'll be having the time of my life! What I am not looking forward to is the career aptitude test, and the IQ test. Last time I took a career test (in high school), it told me I would be best suited for clerical work...and that's what ended up doing 5 years later. And about the IQ test, what if I find out I'm stupid? What if I am a Forrest Gump and nobody told me because they didn't want to hurt my feelings. Or worse...what if I find out I'm a genius and they make me study and solve difficult equations and work for the CIA, cracking difficult top secret codes. Or maybe I just watch too many movies (Forrest Gump, Good Will Hunting, A Beautiful Mind). I wish they had a Nerd test because I'd ace that one.

Dog Eat Dog

I go to Petsmart sometimes to see the dogs, but today I was told that I have to purchase something or leave, so I had to buy something. The worker who threatened me has seen me in the store a bunch of times and she really doesn't care for me (probably cuz I don't buy anything). So, to spite the bitch, I purchased a box of dog biscuits and utilized my privilege as a customer to roam the store and hand out treats to random dogs.

The Salmon Palace

Hawaii was great...as always. It was a perfect vacation except everything at the Royal Hawaiian is different now. It got taken over by some new uber modern management team that doesn't know what they are doing. First off, they changed the color of the hotel...yes, it's still pink, but they added a hint of orange to the mix, so now it's a salmon color. I don't like it. Also, some asshole decided to change the recipe for the Mai Tai. Big mistake. I don't even like the Mai Tai, but just the idea of how ignorant they are to change something that is such a staple in Waikiki irks me. They claim that they hired a world renown "mixologist" (yep, bar tending has officially become a science) to create an even better Mai Tai. Screw tradition. Who cares if the Mai Tai originated here, let's change it and make it healthy, and then we can stop by Colonel Sander's house and tell him how to make chicken!

Fun facts about Waltham

If I ever feel the need to look up my genealogy, the National Archives is right down the road from me. Also, I'm 3 miles away from Walden Pond. Exciting.

Mahalo For Not Smoking

I made the mistake of mentioning the infamous "Maui Wowie"(Hawaiian weed), to one of my therapists. I didn't say I was going to smoke it, I just said that it's abundant and how it's really strong...ask my sister Robin. So now, they're wanting me to get a drug test while I'm in Hawaii. I think it's funny. I won't get in trouble if I don't do what they want. I'm on the honor system here. Everyone trusts me because I'm like the star student. They just want to take precautions for "my safety". Like I'm gonna die if I smoke pot or something. It irks me that they think I'm some kinda addict.
Exactly one week from now I will be sitting at the Mai Tai bar. I hope Augie Ray is there. I think this is the first vacation I've ever gone on, that I feel like I actually deserve.

Mindfulness.

Mindfulness is a term used here a lot...like twenty times a day. It is one of the skills we learn in DBT. It's all about living in the moment and becoming more aware of things. I think it's some kinda Buddhist thing or something. Either way, it works. It definitely has changed my life.
So anyway, this past weekend, my DBT teacher Dr. Murphy went on a mindfulness retreat with the lady who invented DBT, Marsha Linehan (she is like a god to these people). It was a silent retreat...no talking... at all...for five days. Ridiculous. Anyway, I'm not sure what went on at the retreat, but Dr. M is like a total different person now. She is so calm and peaceful and nothing seems to bother her (that is not an easy feat when you're dealing with borderlines all day...trust me). She's like a hair cut and a brown robe away from becoming a Buddhist monk. I like it. More people should go on those retreats.

I Heart Waffles

Hi. It's Sunday and I'm so bored. This is my last week before I leave for Hawaii, so I have a ton of appointments and things to get done before then. I was supposed to go to the American Girl store, but the roads are too bad. I moved out of the house I was living in. I'm staying at an extended stay hotel in the next town over. Fran wants me to move out. She thinks that I become a hermit and that I get too depressed without more people around. She's right, but I like the hotel's breakfast buffet a lot. Who needs friends when you got free bacon, eggs, and waffles every morning?

Recalculating Route

It took me an hour and 20 mins to get home from Cambridge tonight. (I went to an art show. It sucked, I've seen better shit on my sister's refridgerator.) I have this GPS navigator that has an option (which I was not aware was on), to avoid tolls. So it had me going all around the world turning a 10 mile drive into a 30 mile one. Yeah, it had me driving thru downtown Boston at 11:00 at night on a Friday. I do not recommend it. Anyways, I got home.

Hair Today.....

There is a girl in my group who is losing her hair. She has bald spots and I noticed that all of her eye lashes are gone. They were there before I left for Christmas. She used to live at the TLC with me, but they let her live on her own and things just went down hill from there. She's in bad shape. I hate having groups with her because I'm so scared she's gonna keel over in the middle of class. Her skin is turning yellow, and it is obvious that she doesn't eat. She's about 5' 5' and weighs about 90 lbs. It's sad to see her do this to herself.

I'm Going Gray

Black and white thinking means thinking in terms of extremes... there's no middle ground. It's either good or bad, always or never, happy or sad... no in between. It's bad to think this way. But apparently I do, they told me so. That is why I changed the colors of my page to shades of gray. Take that McLean Hospital! No black or white here!

My Life For Now

So this is a run down on what I am doing here. I have groups in the morning and therapists in the afternoon/evening. I do nothing on the weekends...at least for now.

Groups
DBT- We learn healthy ways to deal with stress and bad feelings.
Mentilization- We go around dissecting situations that happen to people in the group.
Self Assessment-Where am I in treatment? What do I need to improve? What do I do next?
Interpersonal- Usually ends up with two people fighting. I love it.
Family Issues- Self explanatory

Therapists
Fran- (Or Dr. Arnold, I call her Fran.) I see her 4 times a week. I'm closest to her than anyone here. She leads my treatment team. She must be a really good therapist because her office is huge(I've noticed that the size of the office is proportionate to the amount of experience), and it's right in the middle of Harvard Square. It costs 10 cents a second to talk to her (I did the math). I like her a lot. She's the cutest dresser. She looks just like Diane Keaton.
Kelly- I see her 2-3 times a week. She looks like Gina Laschiavio. Her dad is Dr. Gunderson, he's like world famous. He is in charge of the program I'm in. Kelly helps me with the BDD by having me do things like go out with no makeup on. (I'm not there yet). She is also my DBT coach....She coaches me DBT for the BPD and CBT for BDD.
Stephanie- I see once a week. She helps me with anything and everything I need to do. She's helped me file insurance claims, find a place to live, manages my groups, she does it all. She's like 8 1/2 months pregnant and I don't know what I'm gonna do when she's on leave.
Dr. Boyajian- (Pronounced Boy Ah Gin) I see him once a week. He's my psychiatrist, but he also specializes in addiction. Thanks to him, I don't have to go to anymore drug/alcohol groups. He says that it's obvious to him (and he should know), that I'm not using drugs and I'm not an alcoholic. I've been saying that from day one, but nobody believed me until I started seeing him. I guess they automatically assume that anyone diagnosed with BPD that also happens to be Catholic must have a dependency problem. He looks just like my cousin Steve.
Julieta- (Pronounced holy etta, or Dr. Holman) I see once a week. She is the family therapist. She's really pretty. Her name sounds like she's Mexican or something, but she's white.